Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
