you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
