Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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