I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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