That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
