Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
