I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
