do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
