Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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