After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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