Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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