youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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