The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
