Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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