Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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