This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
