I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
