My liver just broke up with me...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
