There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I pour the whiskey from now on
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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