Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
