1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just tell him i said nine months
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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