I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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