Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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