My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
