Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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