If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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