direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
