my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
