Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
