If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
