When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
