DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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