We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
