Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
