stop calling my apartment porn island.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
whose parrot is this?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
