A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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