do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
