1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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