Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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