Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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