she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
