I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
