I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
