Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
