I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
