no, he came in my armpit
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
