Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
