If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
