My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
