Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
